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The Gross Movie Pool: 2012

Sandler's Boy Tries To Rock Cruise's Ages - Week 7 Preview

Adam Sandler once showed he could do more than just gonzo characters by singing 80s songs in The Wedding Singer. Tom Cruise is now singing 80s songs in Rock of Ages in his continued quest to show the world he's not actually gonzo. It's amazing that people continually flock to the decade that brought us Garbage Pail Kids as the one to show the world they're normal.

Prometheus Bound By Madagascar 3 - Week 6

In the battle between intense sci-fi and vaudeville shtick, there was never any question that clown wigs and poop jokes were going to win. They win every time! Twelve years ago both Mission to Mars and Red Planet tried to be "intelligent" films expanding on the concept of life on Earth beginning someplace else. Besides those films being utter tripe, you know what the #1 film of 2000 was? The live-action version of How The Grinch Stole Christmas. People will always rally around funny costumes and flatulence. It's the chicken soup for the soul that comes with its own ipecac.

Families vs Fanboys At The Box-Office - Week 6 Preview

It's not every weekend when two films people have put on their Top Five list open on the same day. That's what can happen when a high-profile movie doesn't see the other high-profile movie as a threat or merely assumes it's a completely different audience heading to the screen next door. The problem arises when people only have time to see one movie on the weekend, which one will they choice? It's like having to choose your favorite Pauly Shore movie. How can you choose just one?! (P.S. The answer is Son in Law and only Son in Law. It was his Citizen Kane and a young Carla Gugino sure doesn't hurt it a bit.)

Snow White Hunts Down Men In Black - Week 5

In the history of princesses, Snow White is rarely seen as a Xena Warrior Princess type. With her chirpy vibrato in the classic Disney version and her mad cleaning skills on display at the dwarf's house, she comes off more as a princess version of Alice from The Brady Bunch. How could you take that wimpy, helpless character and turn her into Joan of Ark? Thanks to the magic of Hollywood, Universal found a way and they were rewarded for their efforts with the #1 movie of the weekend, a new potential franchise, and maybe even something they can turn into a theme park ride (Anything would be better than Snow White's Scary Adventure at Disneyland). You know, everything Battleship was supposed to be but wasn't.

Will Snow White & The Huntsman Be The Fairest of All? - Week 5 Preview

Fairy tale mania has been running rampant for a year and a half now. Two network shows, Once Upon a Time and Grimm, both deal with the "what if the stories are true" concepts and made it to a second season (something Lost-ian shows can't claim, such as Alcatraz, The River, The Event, Flash Forward, and about 300 others). Which means, of course, get ready for Beauty and the Beast on The CW this fall. We can only hope a Gingerbread Man series isn't far behind. It could be just like the classic Bill Bixby Incredible Hulk show. Every week he's on the run from someone trying to catch him like they can and he always says, "Don't make me crumbly. You wouldn't like me when I'm crumbly."

Men In Black More Like Men In Beige - Week 4

Pitbull couldn't do it. Josh Brolin couldn't do it. Even Nanny McPhee, err, I mean Emma Thompson couldn't do it. Only Will Smith, a tired premise, and even more tired alien cameos (seriously, calling Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber aliens is kinda like calling Kermit the Frog a Muppet) could make the smallest solo big film Memorial Day Weekend opening in 14 years. Yes, that film was... wait for it... Godzilla! The movie with Matthew Broderick as Dr. Niko Tatopoulos who was no relation to Balki Bartokomous from the '80s sitcom Perfect Strangers? That Godzilla?! Talk about a Nightmare on My Street.

Here Come The Men In Black... Memorial Day Defenders! - Week 4 Preview

Memorial Day Weekend is one of the legendary weekends of filmdom. Some of the most popular and successful films in the past 30 years have come out this very weekend. Children of the '80s still remember standing in long lines before there were reserved seat theaters to see Return of the Jedi and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. In the '90s people recall where they saw Jurassic Park: The Lost World and Mission: Impossible. And who can forget in the '00s seeing Prince of Persia? Oh wait, it's only the small amount of people who actually saw it who want to forget it. The rest were smart enough to pass on that one and save their money for the Prince of Persia toys on clearance sale at Target the following weekend.
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