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The Gross Movie Pool: Summer

Dunkirk Coasts; Dark Tower Crumbles; Emoji Movie Winking Face - Weeks 13 & 14

Oh good golly, did Hollywood just not even try this year? People always say that summer seems shorter every year, yet when have the studios not even tried to sell tickets in August? August has provided some big hits over the years from Guardians of the Galaxy to Suicide Squad to even fun fare like Tropic Thunder and We’re the Millers. Now they’re giving us riots, wigs, and campy Matthew McConaughey… Oh my!

‘Spidey’ Swings; ‘Apes’ & ‘Dunkirk’ Skirmish But ‘Wonder Woman’ Wins War - Weeks 10, 11, 12

July flew by so fast with event movie after event movie, it was hard to keep pace. After a June where most movies fell to the wayside and filled up discount theaters to the point that I still can’t pay $3 to see Guardians 2 again, at least there’s plenty of showings of Rough Night, Captain Underpants, 47 Meters Down, and All Eyez on Me… Huzzah! That said, for perhaps the first time (at least in the Summer Season), there’s been three straight 90% Rotten Tomatoes movies topping the box-office for three weeks in a row. Anything that helps me get out of the house and use someone else’s air-conditioning bill for 2 hours is fine by me!

‘Transformers’ Trans-sucks; ‘Despicable’ Not Hated Yet - Weeks 8 & 9

I’m not going to pretend to be a Transformers fan. It’d be like me pretending to be a Twilight fan. The fact that I’ve seen three Twilight movies to only two Transformers movie doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a bigger fan of one, I just happened to be on a plane around when those films were available. There may have been an idea at one point that since Twilight films were based on books, there was more of a story to them. However, when your 19th century-premise of a teenage girl who needs to choose marriage between two boys is set in the 21st century where most women just live a little and build a career before settling down, there’s not a lot more substance there than “good robot go beat bad robot.”

‘The Mummy’ is Buried; ‘Cars 3’ is in Neutral; ‘Wonder Woman’ is on Fire - Weeks 6 & 7

In the 1999 version of The Mummy they alluded to the ten plagues of Egypt. Universal forgot the 11th plague: Don’t try to reboot The Mummy franchise without Brendan Fraser when he doesn’t even have one foot in the grave or your film will be cursed to be forgotten like a one-hit wonder by Kajagoogoo! (Ok, the mere fact that I can remember the one-hit song by them doesn’t make the curse any less potent. It’s just means I’m too shy shy... hush hush, eye to eye) The movie gods were not amused at these foolhardy producers and laid their full wraith on this new version which didn’t even cast anyone named Brendan or Fraiser Crane.

‘Woman’ a Wonder; ‘Underpants’ Soiled; ‘Pirates’ Adrift; ‘Bay’ Not Watched - Weeks 4 & 5

Whether it was Scandal or Michelle Branch singing Goodbye To You (Hey, look at me being multi-generational! Oh wait, only old people would use the word multi-generational. Dag nabbit!), Goodbye to May is what we should all be singing after that four week atrocity. One! Only one film released during May looks to have any shot to be in Top Five of the Summer and it’s often a month with three to four solid Top Five contenders. It was going to take more than a woman to clean up this mess. It was going to take a Wonder Woman.

‘May Day!’ Cry Four Films Fading Fast - Weeks 2 & 3

Sometimes a hit film draws people out to the theaters to see the other new films. The success of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 seems to have done the opposite. Instead of folks trying new films, they’d rather go with the racoon they know then the aliens they don’t (Xenomorphs and Amy Schumer included).

Guardians of the Box-Office - Vol. Week 1

2017 began the same as almost every other summer season I can remember… with a Marvel movie. You haven’t to go back to 2006 to the last summer that didn’t start with a Marvel comic book film (Take a bow, Mission: Impossible III... and then leave quickly as your probably my least favorite J.J. Abrams film and least favorite M:I film... How’d you blow having Keri Russell and Philip Seymour Hoffman in your film?!).
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