Humans Have Evolved Beyond Mutants As ‘X-Men’ and ‘Turtles’ Slide - Weeks 4 & 5 | Captain America: Civil War | X-Men: Apocalypse | Alice Through The Looking Glass

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Humans Have Evolved Beyond Mutants As ‘X-Men’ and ‘Turtles’ Slide - Weeks 4 & 5

Captain America: Civil War
X-Men: Apocalypse
Alice Through The Looking Glass
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Angry Birds
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows

Yeah, yeah, I missed a Memorial Day update, but since most people missed going to the theater that weekend that’s not on me. Likewise, I’m blessed enough to be sitting on a balcony overlooking the Sea of Cortez right now and I’m doing this instead of ordering my 17th Mai Colada Cerveza Rita of the day, so just do what kids are told in preschool: You get what you get and you don’t have a fit! The folks who should be having a fit? Anyone who picked a film in the past five weeks that wasn’t named Civil War.

Before I start, there’s already going to a be a certain theme reoccuring this summer. Watch for it, look for it, and I’ll be sure to highlight it with giant neon letters whenever I get to it.

X-Men: Apocalypse wasn’t the end of the world but it may very well be the end of Bryan Singer having the one good thing he could hang his hat on. Man can’t live on Keyser Söze and “From the director of The Usual Suspects” forever. Just like how you can’t always tell a mutant from the color of their skin, a $79.8 million four-day weekend opening doesn’t seem like a natural abomination at all… until you realize that’s $30 million less than X-Men: Days of Future Past just two years ago.

What?! Are you telling me people were more interested in a 70’s themed X-Men movie than the 80’s?! That’s ridiculous. Outside of a Farrah Fawcett poster, Scooby Doo, and people apparently never needing a reason to shower or match their tops with their bottoms when they dressed, what was so cool about the 70’s? As a child of the 80’s, I’m very offended by this.

Again, though, $30 million? Where have I heard that number before? Wasn’t that how much less Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising made than the first Neighbors in its opening weekend?

Meanwhile, nothing was wonderful in Wonderland as Alice Through the Looking Glass didn’t just make $30 million less but $85 million less than the first Alice six years ago. All Disney got for their $170 million investment was a $33.5 million four-day debut, a Johnny Depp divorce scandal, and about $200 million in unused Alice toy and clothing merchandise that will never be bought. At least some under-privileged children in third world countries will benefit from that though. That’s me, someone who’s always looking for the positive… As in I’m positive I’m screwed after putting Alice as the #5 on my Top Five list.

In what’s been an already amazing year for Disney with Zootopia, The Jungle Book, Captain America: Civil War (and not forgetting that Star Wars was just in December), Alice Through the Looking Glass can be seen as just a speed bump in the grand scheme of things, yet this opening is right in line with other great Disney summer gaffs such as The Lone Ranger and Prince of Persia. All were mega-big-budget productions that never made have their budget domestically and it’s pretty safe to say Looking Glass will be joining them soon. Hopefully, the board room can avoid the Queen of Hearts showing-up to their next meeting to shout “Off with their heads!”

On the other side of the pond (and I don’t mean England), there happened to be some turtles from the 90’s that Michael Bay decided could be reinvented for the 21st Century. That planned worked out pretty well in 2014 as the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie made over $180 million. Now sequels are always a tricky thing… they’re almost destined to perform better or worse, almost never the same as the original. If I tell you Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows didn’t do better, and you know it can’t have done the same, we all know where this is heading, right?

Opening with $35.3 million of pepperoni and cheese, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows movie showed that they were a lot more profitable when they actually were in the shadows. This was a drop of… wait for it… almost $30 million than the previous film in 2014 (the same year as Days of Future Past… Why did people have such a hunkering for mutants back then? Did we have more chemicals in our food? Were we less farm to table? Very confusing). I’m not sure what could have set the turtles back so much with this second film, but hiring Tyler Perry to dress as a man probably had something to do with it.

As to the other non consequential films that opened in Week 5, Me Without You fit that bill for the annual modern-sad-pensive-beautifully hopeful in an ironic way teenage girl romance movie of the summer to the tune of almost $20 million. The movie without a tune, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, lost it’s beat pretty quickly with a $4.6 million start. I guess the good news is that there’s no way the Popstar sequel can open with $30 million less. See, there I am, Mr. Positivity again! Sunshine reigns supreme!!!

The Top Five If Today Was Labor Day:
#1. Captain America: Civil War - $389.1 million
#2. X-Men: Apocalypse - $117 million
#3. The Angry Birds Movie - $87.1. million
#4. Alice Through the Looking Glass - $51.4 million
#5. Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising - $48.7 million

by Matt Neuenburg on 06/07/2016

Movies Mentioned in this Post: Alice Through The Looking Glass, Angry Birds, Captain America: Civil War, Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, X-Men: Apocalypse
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