The Avengers Sank Universal's Battleship - Week 3 | The Avengers | Dark Shadows | Battleship

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The Avengers Sank Universal's Battleship - Week 3

The Avengers
Dark Shadows
The Dictator
What to Expect When You're Expecting
Pat Benatar once sang "Love is as Battlefield." American audiences clearly proved this weekend love is not a Battleship. Apparently, giving over a billion dollars to see talking robots in the three Transformers movies is one thing. Paying money to see talking Rihannas and Brooklyn Deckers is another. Even more shocking, Rihanna didn't even release a song from the movie. This is a woman who has a new single or is featured on a new track about every 18 hours and she couldn't even be bothered to make a cover of Tina Turner's "We Don't Need Another Hero" and change the last line to "All we want is life beyond... Battleship!" Well, if she wasn't singing it before, she's certainly singing it now.

Battleship only succeeded at having a worse opening than last week's disappointing debut of Dark Shadows. Sunk with a $25.3 million start, Battleship looks like less of a torpedo and more of a bomb. Maybe this is the time we tip our hat to America and thank them for turning their backs on a shameless, empty, CGI-fest that had the emotional factor of a -2.3 on the Richter scale. Then again, this is the same America that's likely about to pour $100 million into Men In Black 3 this weekend, so let's not exactly pat ourselves on our Albert Einsteins yet. It's more like patting ourselves on Yahoo Serious.

How bad did Battleship miss? It was like calling out L-10 when the ship was on A-1. Before the film was released, director Peter Berg was talking the publicity talk of this movie being the first in a trilogy. At this point, I'm pretty sure we're not going to see the aliens abduct Taylor Kitsch to Candy Land and eventually have him push the aliens down square 87 all the way to square 24 in Chutes and Ladders anytime soon.

More so than anything, call it the curse of the Happy Meal. When you can't get yourselves into McDonalds, just don't even try anything else. Carl's Jr., Burger King, or whatever doesn't even come close. Land of the Lost and Green Lantern both thought they could make it work with a Subway promotion. They thought wrong! Add Battlefield to the list. If you want to make a positive impression on kids, don't come with apple slices.

Among the other new films to open, The Dictator dictated $17.4 million for a $24.4 million five-day total so far. This is well short of the nearly $30 million openings for previous Sacha Baron Cohen movies and a sign that his shtick for creating outlandish characters may be wearing thin. My wife wouldn't even watch his interview with Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. My wife will watch interviews with lint detectives and toe-nail surgeons as long as Jon is on the screen, yet as soon as Sacha showed up, she was done. This means something. I have no idea what, but it means something.

What to Expect When You're Expecting may have expected to be a hit. Instead, it'll need to settle for a pre-mature delivery they hope can make it until the DVD release. The stork brought in $10.5 million which is less than it cost for Jay-Z and Beyonce to book the entire wing of the hospital before their daughter's birth. If Jennifer Lopez thought all it took was two years on American Idol and a Pitbull song to become a star on the big-screen again, she has another thing coming. I mean, everyone has a Pitbull song these days. I could've had a Pitbull song, starred in this movie, and it would've done just as poorly.

While I'm still not clear on whether the name Dark Shadows stands for shadows that are hard to make out due to poor lighting or while some shadows are made from light, these are made from dark, what I am certain of is a 57% second weekend drop after a lackluster opening means we won't have a Darker Shadows in 2014 with the tag line: "No more seeing a little silhouette of a man... This one's big!" With a $50.9 million 10-day total, Johnny Depp's pirate movies usually make this much by their first Saturday. If you were wanting to dress up as any of the Collins family for Halloween this season, you won't have to worry about a lot of copycat costumes.

The Avengers continued assembling records of all sorts. Not only does it have the biggest opening weekend of all-time, the biggest second-weekend of all-time, and the fastest film to reach $200 million, $300 million, and $400 million, it'll probably be the fastest to $500 million after Memorial Day Weekend. Amassing a marvelous $55 million in its third weekend with a 47% drop, the film has reached $457.1 million. Only one film in summer box-office history has made more than this, The Dark Knight's $533.3 million. It also looks like if anything's ever going to top The Avengers, it's going to have to be The Dark Knight Rises. That's a pretty tall order for a third film in any franchise. There's a reason they never made Another Stakeout Again.

The Top Five If Today Was Labor Day:

#1. The Avengers - $457.1 million
#2. Dark Shadows - $50.9 million
#3. Battleship - $25.3 million
#4. The Dictator - $24.4 million
#5. What to Expect When You're Expecting - $10.5 million

by Matt Neuenburg on 05/21/2012

Movies Mentioned in this Post: Battleship, Dark Shadows, The Avengers, The Dictator, What to Expect When You're Expecting
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