‘Woman’ a Wonder; ‘Underpants’ Soiled; ‘Pirates’ Adrift; ‘Bay’ Not Watched - Weeks 4 & 5 | Wonder Woman | Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 | Alien: Covenant

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‘Woman’ a Wonder; ‘Underpants’ Soiled; ‘Pirates’ Adrift; ‘Bay’ Not Watched - Weeks 4 & 5

Wonder Woman
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Alien: Covenant
Captain Underpants
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

Whether it was Scandal or Michelle Branch singing Goodbye To You (Hey, look at me being multi-generational! Oh wait, only old people would use the word multi-generational. Dag nabbit!), Goodbye to May is what we should all be singing after that four week atrocity. One! Only one film released during May looks to have any shot to be in Top Five of the Summer and it’s often a month with three to four solid Top Five contenders. It was going to take more than a woman to clean up this mess. It was going to take a Wonder Woman.

Wonder Woman kicked out the May Blues with her June Thunder to an $103.3 million opening. This was a great start for a new franchise that has never made it’s way to the silver screen before. While Wonder Woman is recognized as one of the three most iconic DC heroes (along with Batman and Superman), they’ve made movies about Swamp Thing, Supergirl, Steel, Catwoman, Constantine, The Losers, Green Lantern, and good golly even Jonah Hex before making a movie about a character that sells way more merchandise than any of those. Did it really take nine Twilight and Hunger Games movies for DC to see people will go to female-led action movies (and, yes, I use the term “action” loosely with Twilight since that vampire baseball game was a little less than thrilling).

Still, while much has been made about the Girl Power in this movie (and no one loves the Spice Girls more than me), let’s not lose too much of our heads about how much of an achievement this is. Crappy Suicide Squad opened with $30 million more and the mind-numbing Batman vs. Supes started with almost $70 million more. Where really to look, however, is that Wonder Woman opened bigger than the first two Thor movies, the first two Captain America movies, the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie, and any Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie (OK, that last one’s a joke). Well done, Diana Prince! Now if you can just share some of that storytelling and interesting characters doing interesting things to your fellow Justice League members, we’ll be getting somewhere.

Aside from the success of a certain Amazonian Warrior, the battlefield was filled with the bodies of failed films. In the “It’s Only A Fleshwound” category was Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales. With a $63 million opening, which was 33% worse that On Stranger Tides debut, you could almost speculate that Dead Men will gross a third less than Tides. That would put the final Dead Men tally around $160 million. Sure, that’d be a fine booty for Redbeard on the legendary Scooby Doo episode Go Away Ghost Ship, yet that’s a far cry from the $423 million total for Dead Man’s Chest, the second film in the Pirates of the Caribbean series. Dead Men may tell no tales but they also don’t buy movie tickets.

Captain Underpants showed there was only room for one superhero wearing underwear on the same weekend. Wonder Woman soared on the wings of her invisible jet, leaving Captain Underpants wishing he’d worn a bigger size of tighty whities. A debut of $23.8 million leaves this Dreamworks film more than halfway behind the start of its spring hit Boss Baby (which started with $50.2 million). Worse, this opening finds itself between their own Penguins of Madagascar and Turbo films. Not exactly two flicks leaping off the shelves if Blockbuster stores even still existed. (What would even be the modern day equivalent? Leaping off the OnDemand servers? The 21st Century sucks.) Likewise, both those films ended-up in the mid $80 million total range and the same fate looks likely for this Captain who's about to go down in his Underpants ship… and the less time I try to think of a pun about that the better.

However, there was a film that spent a lot of time trying to think about jokes involving things in underpants, which is odd since most of the participants weren’t even wearing undergarments. Baywatch tried to be the next 21 Jump Street and succeeded only in being the next CHiPs. Oops. Despite having the sexiest man in America in The Rock, no one wanted to smell what anyone was cooking in an obviously half-baked, ill-conceived, should’ve been DOA project as soon as it crossed anyone’s table. Baywatch could only catch a wave of $18.5 million its first weekend out and crashed over 50% on its second weekend. They could’ve probably made just as much if they’d replaced Zac Efron with Parker Stevenson. Everyone loves a Hardy Boy.

The Top Five If Today Was Labor Day:
#1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 - $355.6 million
#2. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales - $115.1 million
#3. Wonder Woman - $103.3 million
#4. Alien: Covenant - $67.3 million
#5. Snatched - $43.8 million

by Matt Neuenburg on 06/06/2017

Movies Mentioned in this Post: Alien: Covenant, Baywatch, Captain Underpants, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales, Snatched, Wonder Woman
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